It’s a perfect night. It’s breezy, perfectly cool, I’m surrounded by green, and Brad Paisley is singing Then to me for the 5th time tonight (through YouTube). And I am grateful.
I am content—and not just because I’m sitting on the Grandma House porch in my yellow arm chair. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. And if God decides to change something, I feel like I am in a place where I can take that on with courage. Bring it!
When I tell people I placed my baby for adoption, so often I hear things like “Wow. You’re so brave.” or “I don’t know how you did it. I could never have done that.”
It hit me the other day that people use the word brave not for people whose circumstances they admire but for the people who have experienced misfortune beyond their control. Brave seems to be code for “Thank goodness I’m not in your situation.”
“I could never have done that,” code for “You must not love him like I love my children…because I could never give my child away.”
To those people I just want to say that I made the best decision for my baby. Brave? Unbelievably brave. Hard? The most difficult thing I’ve ever done.
Eugene, OR is my favorite layover. The hotel is slightly creepy. It’s the kind of place that ghosts likely visit. The jagged black chandeliers look like objects people might have once been hung from. That being said, I still love this hotel. I love it because of of the bike path that runs along the Willamette River, adjacent to the hotel. I love this river. I love the miles I have spent running along side it. I love the ducks, the rain, the bridges that cross it, and the rainbows I have seen after the rain.
On one particular cloudy day, as I ran, I was stopped by the sun peering through the clouds. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see an angel, or maybe more. My IPod was playing This Is the Christ (sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir), and at that moment I was reminded that Christ lives. Now when I go back I remember that feeling. He lives!
That’s just one reason that I love Oregon.
When I use exclamation points I think of my sister! She uses punctuation liberally—especially exclamation points! They are very fitting for her exciting personality.
Annie is on a BYU study abroad in Jerusalem right now. I miss her. She has been in Egypt all week and hasn’t been able to talk or email. I have been waiting all week to tell her something. Finally I was able to talk to her today! (a deserved exclamation point…though Annie would have used 3!)
Come home, Annie!
On my drive home from church today, I listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing “Consider the Lilies.”
I think of Heather (Clark’s mom) when I hear this song. It’s her favorite song. The day before I placed Clark into her arms, I sobbed all day, not knowing how I could let go of him. I told my caseworker that I couldn’t do it, and she had to tell Ben and Heather. The next morning, and the day that I placed Clark, Ben and Heather went to the Music and the Spoken Word and listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing these words:
Consider the lilies of the field--how they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds of the sky--how they fly, how they fly.
He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.
Consider the sheep of his fold--how they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed.
He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.
Consider the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them he carried from the day of his birth.
He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold
and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold.
He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold
and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold.
I’m grateful that Heavenly Father comforted Ben and Heather. I’m grateful that He has carried me and has healed me. The Atonement covers so much more than sin. Because of the healing power of the Atonement, I am happy. So, so happy! I am grateful. I trust Him completely. If He clothes the lilies and feeds His lambs, I know He will also continue to bless me.
Lately I have been amazed at how He has decided to bless me. I have asked for the minimum and He has given me much, much more. He has given me things I didn’t know I needed, but now I can’t live without.
I no longer care about the remote control. In fact, I have not turned on a TV yet this year, and I love it!
A comfortable bed with plush pillows is still appreciated. Free internet, an in-room microwave and a refrigerator are also nice. Free breakfast is a great bonus. (Hampton Inns happen to meet all of my needs best, in case you’re also looking for a nice over-night stay).
However, none of these things are as wonderful as the people I’d rather be with. I miss my roommate and I miss my family and friends. I miss FHE and ward temple night, and the connections I would rather be making with people. I finally feel like I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m ready to wind down and move on.
Last night I had an layover in Oakland. My mom picked me up so we could spend 24 hours together. If I could spend every layover with my parents I would be a happy girl! I enjoy being with my parents more than most anyone else. They are truly delightful, interesting, and loving parents and friends. I am lucky to be their daughter! And sleeping in my bed at home is far more comfortable than any hotel bed!
One of my aunts has said several times that in her world there will be no socks. (She hates finding them, washing them, and especially putting them back together in pairs) I’m okay with socks. In my world we can have them.
But in my world we won’t have to do our hair. It’s way too much work. Which is why I only wash it once or twice a week. It’s the blow drying part that I so dislike. But, just because we don’t have to do our hair doesn’t mean it won’t be pretty. It will be…in my world.
What about you? What won’t be happening in your world?
My little brother, David, turned 26 on Wednesday and he deserves to be recognized!
The day before his birthday this year I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time with him. I always love spending time with David. He gives me hugs and tells me he loves me. He validates my life and my experience. He gets mad at the people who have hurt me. He believes me. And I believe in him. I love every piece of him.
He is passionate about his things. Movies! I’ve never met a human who has seen more movies or appreciates movies more than David does. Politics! We don’t see eye to eye on every issue, but I love that his politics are based on a genuine love for people and society. He’s a lover and a giver. Tennis! This one is new to him, but he has fully embraced tennis. He plays it and watches it like a true fan should. Fashion! He’s a way better dresser than I am. He always looks good, and even has fun hair styles to top off every great BR outfit.
We don’t remember ever fighting…just two years apart and never a fight? It’s all because of him. He is a true peacemaker. I forced him to play games with me, and he happily played. We used to sketch animals together on lazy Sunday afternoons. He even let me read Sweet Valley Twins to him (he was 8—and I may have been taking advantage of his good nature…).
Thanks for being my friend then, and now! I love you, David!
Usually God picks moms. But in Clark’s case, with God’s help, I picked his mom.
I looked through hundreds and hundreds of moms before I found her. She is beautiful. Perfectly beautiful. She’s talented. She teaches piano. She does crafts. She sings and directs choir. She cooks and bakes and cans jars and jars of applesauce. She makes 20 freezer meals at a times and she knits little hats. She also loves. She loves her husband. She loves her boys. She’s kind to them. She’s close to the Spirit. And she knew that she should write to me, even though I didn’t know I wanted her to write to me. She goes to the temple with her husband. She has a sense of humor. She laughs when things are hard, when things go crazy at her house, when all of her boys are crying at once, and Ben’s not home to help her. I was so excited when I finally found her. I loved her instantly when I met her.
Thank you for being my baby’s mom!
Thanks for being my friend!
I love you, Heather!
Happy Mother’s Day!
“Not all angels are from the other side of the veil.
Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day…
some of them gave birth to us.
Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”—Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
That's my mom! I love her!
This is what I wrote about my mom right after I placed little Clark:
“Mom was with me the entire time. She slept on a cot in my room. I have never felt closer to her. We experienced so much love and pain together. She not only had to deal with the loss of her grandson…but also the pain that her daughter was experiencing. Many times she came into my bed with me as I wept, and she cried with me.”
Thank you for being my angel when I needed you most! I will never forget that wonderful night with you!
I love you!
Running in Spring is not a chore. It is only beautiful!
Running in Spring is deceptive. It makes me think I might like running.
Tonight I loved my run. It was still light outside, but thinking about getting dark. The air was crisp, but not cold. The yards were beautiful. Freshly mowed, with tulips everywhere. I’m pretty sure God created tulips just for me, so I’d know how much He loves me.
Tonight I went to a birth mothers celebration.
I love other birth mothers.
They are brave. They humble me. They remind me.
We were given thoughtful gifts. This rose was my favorite.
Isn’t it lovely?
Clark is 4 months old in 15 minutes. Maybe by the time I post this, it will be 2:03…the time he was born. The time my life changed forever. Here are some of my thoughts from that moment:
“…the second he came out and was placed on my tummy, I knew I could never let him go. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone or anything… Holding Clark changed me. I will never be the same. I am a mother. I have never loved as much. I cried the moment his little wet body was placed on my tummy in my arms. How has anyone placed their baby for adoption after holding him? I still don’t know.”
And I still don’t know. But, I’m grateful I was given the power to do it. A power way beyond me, and the knowledge that it was the best thing for Clark, helped me sign those papers.
I love you, Clark! Happy, happy 4 months! You are a blessed little baby. You have the best parents! I love you!
Just moments before I handed him to Ben and Heather.
All it took was a birthday wish to make this come true! Thank you, Becca! Starting June I will be full-time again. It only took a year!
