JOY

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." 

Albert Camus

My mom asked me the other day if I ever feel guilty for feeling happy after such a terribly hard thing happened to me.  She can say these kinds of things to me because she loves me so much and knows me so well.  She knows me well enough to know that I had thought this.  I've wondered if people will see that I'm happy and think that maybe I didn't love Clark enough.  What if I don't cry every day anymore?  Am I allowed to be happy?

I've come to terms with my happiness.  I'm just going to be happy.  That's why we exist-- to feel complete joy.  And I do.  And I've decided that it's okay.  I will never stop missing Clark.  I don't think I will ever stop getting a little choked up every time I see a little baby that reminds me so much of him-- or when I read an adoption story-- or when I look at hospital pictures-- or pictures from his parents.  But even these things make me happy too.  I am grateful.  And so completely blessed.

These are just a few reasons why I am so happy:

• I love God.
• He loves me...and is so obvious about it!
• I love my parents! Tons.
• I have a job...even if I am only part-time...and still don't have health benefits.  
• I love my job.
• I am healthy.
• I love good, healthy food.
• I feel the Spirit.
• I can go to the temple!
• I have an awesome roommate and a place to live.  
• I can touch my toes really easily now...because of yoga...which also makes me happy.
• I have really great brothers and sisters- and I like the people they married.
• I'm visiting one of them now in D.C.  Rebecca's as good as a real sister.  
• Benjamin is so full of love and says funny things all day long that just make me laugh.  Today he said, "Luc?  Can I call you that?"  I said, "of course."  A few minutes later, from down the sidewalk, he yelled, "Luc!"  That made me happy.  And his hugs and kisses just make me feel so loved.  He's great that way!